I can't believe I haven't taken the time to tell you what I am about to tell you. I have been pretty busy with being epic, but still, my bad.

This happened late last year, somewhere around Christmas. I was on my way home from something probably awesome and Obama started blowing up my phone. I pressed the eff you button the first time because that guy does not stop talking and I was rocking out to Metallica. He called back again so I reluctantly answered. We shot the shit for a bit and then he was like, "yo, I need you to go fight terror in space for me. Those fuckin' terrorists are at it again. Terrorists, right? Jesus.."

I was like, "aight" and proceeded to call home to let them know I was about to save their lives again from evil. This was all business-as-usual so Tamye was cool with it.

Anyway, fast forward to me flying a helicopter to that place where NASA launches shit into space. Two things to note here: I can't remember where NASA is. Texas? Whatever, geography is retarded. Also, I was flying the chopper because I ride shotgun to no man.

Obama met me at the super secret rocket launcher place. I was in kind of a foul mood since you are not allowed to smoke cigars in space, so we didn't exchange very many words. He handed me a bunch of grenades and guns and then had to bail. Something about the economy was his excuse. Heard that before, right?

Fast-forward again. I am in space now, approaching the moon, and of course I was the one flying. If you weren't paying attention before then this might surprise you. Of course to the untrained eye it looked like our regular boring moon. Sitting there, not contributing to society in the least bit. I am an expert and not letting the terrorists win however, so I had no trouble finding their stinky caves.

I was rounding the corner about to start my bloody murder filled spelunking trip when two brown shapes moved to my right. (don't be racist, you will soon find out that the brown I am referring to has nothing to do with nationality).

Space-Bears!!

Jesus Christ... I thought that the terrorists had used the last card they had up there sleeves when they decided blowing their own soldiers up was a great idea. These were bears with jet packs and lasers strapped to their gnarly-ass paws!

I was at a disadvantage. Not because a bear could kick my ass. Fuck bears. I, being the forgetful person I am, left my stupid jet-pack in my backyard on Earth.

I knew there was only one way out of this inconvenient situation. I pulled out my cigar and started oozing superiority and disdain for everything that is not me. (Yes, I brought my cigar, I don't care about space physics). The space-bears halted mid-float-in-space and immediately felt like total jackasses for even letting the terrorists catch them in the first place.

*BTW, I am also a world-renowned bear whisperer which will explain how this next part is possible.*

I talked to the bears for awhile, letting them know that because of my vast amounts of grace and generosity, I would let them tag along while I purge the rest of the moon of the terrorist threat. They were obviously down with some revenge-murder so we were off, finally starting our journey through the vast network of moon caves.

Two words: Effing boring.

Seriously, you fight terror for as long as I have and you start to wonder if there is a better job out there.

To summarize the purge:

Terrorist: 0
Me: 1
Space-Bears: Awesome.

Back to Earth we went. I obviously got home a little late, Tamye and G were asleep. I let the bears crash in the back yard, stressing to them how badly I would cut them if they stole any of my shit. I ate a quick dinner of scotch and steak then went to sleep.

I woke up to Tamye screaming. Whoops, probably should have left a post-it note on the back door about the bears. I tried to let her know it was cool and these bears weren't like the other bears I've brought home.

Nope.

She wasn't having it so I had to tell the Space-Bears! to leave.

Bullshit.

David.